It's been quite some time since I was blogging regularly. Be that as it may Google Blogger, I remembered my password and you don't have a choice but to take me back.
There is something I have never told anyone before and Google Blogger, in my long awaited return I want to share my secret insecurity with you. I am horribly afraid of failure so much so that it has sincerely ruined many things for me. I reflect and spend an obscene amount of time trying to discover my style and talent. What I've decided is maybe my work isn't special. Maybe I can't deliver anything any other designer couldn't,
but I'm really good at talking and acquiring the things I need. What I'm trying to say is, I may
just be the behind the scenes person. Coming from a former community theater actress with several lead roles, that was very difficult to admit to myself. But there it is. I read that several times just now and felt compelled to nod my head at my self. This is what it comes down to, the brilliant artists and designers I admire have a talent for creating things we need and/or desire. Behind all of these things, whether it's the cozy, affordable IKEA
chair I'm reclined in as I tap away on my MacBook or
Sargent's Madam X hanging in the Met, there is someone(s) that made those things available to us. I am more like that person than Sargent.
So life course, I found my true passion and narrowed in on my target. But what to do with this fear of failure? When I have come to my 80% in progress something shuts down. Every project is anti-climatic. I've been working through these issues and I think I am prepared to conquer this. I lack discipline and structure but I know to get what I want I have to come out on top. To keep myself on course I've decided to do three simple things:
1. Draw Daily no matter what it is, to keep my hand in shape. I cramped in my foundations review BAD but what else would you expect from someone who hadn't drawn anything other than holiday cards in 14 months (that's pretty embarrassing to admit)
2. Study Daily Resources for artists, illustrators, and designers of all types are plentiful. I'm currently reading "Graphic Artists Guild Handbook Pricing and Ethical Standards" twelfth edition.
3. Share Weekly I will be searching for people, places and things to critique and post them here
I've spent the past year quietly observing, anxious, frustrated, and creatively speaking uninspired. I've moped around obsessing over where I was going with this whole graphic design thing (aside from the obvious finishing my degree), feeling pathetic, hating my work, my laziness and my self loathing. I let go and focused on other aspects of my life. Not that I haven't had a terrific year, because it's been awesome. Traveling was involved. My boyfriend and I visited the
Modern Art Museum of Fort Worth, the
Kimbell Art Museum, the
Dallas Museum of Art, the
Crow Collection of Asian Art, the
Blanton Museum of Art at the University of Texas at Austin, and the
Oklahoma City Museum of Art. This has become our thing. While each of these dates were special, romantic and healthy for our relationship, thinking back to these visits collectively- the first thing that crosses my mind is how much $ I witnessed. Today I have fully accepted and embraced the business behind it all. I now have to work harder than I ever worked before, to finish my degree and learn all I can so I can make money.
